Raindrops

Grey
Oppressive
foreboding sky
making her shy
an inner voice exclaims, "I don't want to run in this!"
the bus stops
she finds the trail

green lushness stops her in her
already sodden tracks

deeper in this green world
she begins to see raindrops bounce off leaves
and even her nose

she absorbs this wet world
embracing the sensations it offers
she stops again to examine the drops
suspended on a clover - perfect little orbs

she wonders...
if it wasn't for the weather, they might have been tears
the tears of a jilted lover pining for past and lost years

she moves on -- thankful for the raindrops

Invisible...

Introduction: This is a real experience that took place about 4 years ago, but it feels as real today as it did back then. I'm okay now -- Thankfully. I'm lucky. I have a low stress job that I enjoy; good friends; and a man who has stood by me through thick and thin for over 25 years. Churchill's black dog will never ever leave, but he can be kept at bay and even embraced. It's an on-going process keeping the black-dog at bay. Writing and running is my outlet.

No place to Hide

I get dressed donned in my tight denim skirt, denim tight sleeveless vest, leather boots and leather waistcoat, and holiday Christmas glitter nail polish. I'm pleased with my party get up as I look at myself in the full-length mirror, and I feel good -- sort of. But the slim figure, I feel, is slim due to my lack of appetite. A constant nausea -- a sense of loss fills my stomach instead of food. I eat because I must work and get through school. I must make an effort. I walk into the party.

People are laughing, talking, dancing and drinking... I head to the bar -- dutch courage. I often like this environment, but tonight is different. Very different. I feel alienated, aloof and detached. Funny, I've been feeling like this a lot these days. But here I am with no place to hide.

Snap out if I think. So I try. I walk up to two people I know. I walk up, smile (forced) and try to engage. After listening for a while (which feels like an eternity), I stop and glide away. I feel invisible. No, I AM invisible. It's not my imagination. "Have another drink. Maybe you're just not relaxed", says an inner not so convincing voice of the rational.

I try again. It's no good. I'm invisible yet I feel exposed with no place to hide. I leave and the door closes quietly behind me. I feels like it's the only thing that will know I've left.

I can't wait to get back to the apartment. Home hasn't even been that sweet either. My marriage was suffering -- buckling under the weight of depression. I'm working hard to hide my darkness from the light of day. I get to the apartment lobby and in full view of the enormous window exposing myself to the night, I sit and cry... I try to text a friend, but can't see the words I type... I abandon the text. I climb the stairs, enter our apartment, shower and quietly go to bed... My husband doesn't stir. I lay in the dark both metaphorically and literally...

Getting ready is now the best part of a party... But what's the point when I leave feeling worse and more depressed than before. I want to sleep and not wake up. Sad, but true. It's true what they say; loneliness is often felt more in a crowd than alone. All is not lost and I slowly plan to work towards a full recovery.

Another door closes, but stays just a little ajar in my life. I've opened the door to another life... I can now only participate in small groups at best, but really prefer one on one interactions with a close friend or partner. Priorities change. I find solitude in a long distance trail run. It's where I find peace, feel free from anxiety, alone, invisible, and with no place to hide...

The door is always ajar, but I work hard to keep the crack of light and to stop it closing completely. Depression is real, complex and multi-faceted. Don't ever ignore someone, or anyone for that matter. It can slam a door shut...

Adrenoverse

Bobcat to Rodeo Valley

A blue-yellow glow left by the slowly falling orb of the golden full moon over the horizon helped light our ascent on Bobcat trail. I look over my shoulder and watch for a moment the headlamps as they twinkle like fairy lights climbing Bobcat Trail. We turn at the final switch back of Bobcat and reach the crest of the hill. The fairy lights slowly dwindle to a flicker as they emerge over the crest and into a dawn that greets us at the top of the trail.

The dark blue sky of night turned into a liquid gold that poured down the hillsides and into Rodeo Valley like pure honey. A morning mist tinged by the warm lilac and orange glow of the sunrise cascaded down the hillsides into the valley floor below.

I stopped and pondered upon this new day emerging over the horizon. The warm glow offered a reprieve from two hours of darkness -- albeit beautiful darkness. But there is always something heavy about the night. The dark blue turning azure signals a new day and lessens the weight of darkness...

The 50 Mile North Face Endurance Challenge 2014

An Early Bloom

Oh poppy how alone you are!
petals nodding in response
I felt warm air from afar
February confidence!

I wondered where the others were!
a lone coyote stops to howl
it's time for them to allure
trots along the coastal trail

glowing shimmering in low sun
gold against old clearly seen
its new life not long begun
a little early for a spring scene

golden poppy don't you feel a slight chill?
petals quiver in the breeze
a little but mostly I'm still
warmth calms her petals with ease

Golden Poppy

Ode to the Beast - Along the Dipsea Trail

the beast awaits

quietly, hesitantly, 
they approach her back
and start their way
along her tracks

they are nervous

will she spit and crack
will she glow
will she soothe

they wonder

will her warm licks
be of glee
will she lure them
with views of the sea

perhaps she'll show a rabbit,
a deer, or two
perhaps she'll cool them
with morning dew

i'm nervous

she lures me
like an old love affair
i arrive and wonder
why am i here

but when i arrive
at cardiac hill
i remember why
i love her still

and always will

Peaceful Moment

I reached the top of the segment where the trail flattened out before me. Specs of blue and yellow danced about a sea of green greeting me as I caught my breath from my first climb.

Yet it was not this breath-taking view of above and beyond that caught my gaze... but a golden gleam of orange illuminated by the warm early spring sun that captured my glance and warmed my thoughts.

My what a splendid sight of this jewel glowing so bright! Her dance gave me a feeling of warmth inside... Shimmering and bobbing up and down with pride, as if in praise of my every stride. I pause for while to admire her show. I exclaim, "Oh California poppy! You raise my spirit so! You are the sign of spring!"  She nodded her head in agreement as the soft warm breeze brushed her petals.

 She softened and embraced me with her beauty and glow. I resumed my own dance along the trail embracing my encounter with a moment of peace.

The Beast - An Ode to Mount Tam

They quietly approached her at the crack of dawn
As she slumbers through this dark wet morn
Lightly footed they go a creeping
Careful not to disturb her sleeping

Will she fight so much today
Or will they keep her ire at bay..
Their legs a'trembling brows dripping in sweat
Alert and skittish trying to not fret

Ignoring the pounding in their chests
Approaching slowly is always best
They look up in awe at her dark face
Knowing to treat her with respect and grace

Silently cautiously they lunge up the stairs
Nervously climbing towards her lair.
Confusing them with awkward turns
Watching them check their way with concern

Taming the beast is such a feat
Many who try end in defeat
She shrouds herself in the sea mist
Teasing strangers with tricky turns and twists

The locals know the beast well
It's only strangers to whom she gives hell
She lays in wait for her opponents
Surprising them with heart-stopping moments

Chests start to loosen and they feel on track..
Dancing around obstacles along her back..
They're feeling strong and full of grace
They enter a trance with their quicker pace

But then in the middle of feeling great
They start to sense her full of hate
Her cold damp breath they suddenly feel
Cooling their skin to a deathly chill

Along the hackles of her long dark back
They start feeling her spit and crack
Pressing on aware of her hidden dangers
She heaves and bellows at these strangers

Showered with spit and deafened by wails
Relentlessly they continue climbing her trails
Breathing heavier legs a'cramping
Counting up the miles trampen'd

Holding on to her rearing contours
Sweating wondering what they're here for
Taming the beast is the usual reply
Love and respect for her grow by the miles

She offers them a brief reprieve
And they wonder if they've put her at ease
She calms a little with quiet warm breaths
Allowing them to continue on with their quest

She often pauses for a short while
That apparently is her usual style
Oh they're beginning to know her well!
This cunning but beautiful beast from hell

As the morning sun reveals her beauty
They finish like soldiers after a tour of duty
She calmly watches them descend her side
Licking them graciously with warmth and pride

Green and majestic is her dominant profile
They miss her turn away and her they'll-be-back smile
She patiently watches across the bay and sea
Waiting for more runners lured by her beauty